Almost at my goal and I am terrified!

As of yesterday, I’m 6 pounds from my goal.  When I saw that number on the scale, I felt something I wasn’t expecting.  I felt uncontrollable fear. I thought losing the weight was the hard part.  Now that the weight is gone, I think the real hard part is just getting started.

I should be overjoyed.  I am almost there.  When I get to that final goal what’s next?  For the last 18 months, I’ve had a target.  I’ve had a goal that pushed me forward I had to push that weight down, but now I’ve got to figure out how to maintain it.

I don’t know how my psyche is going to deal with this next part.  There’s a piece of me that says.  “Just keep eating your loss level calories and working out.”  That part of me just wants to keep going till I waste away.  I know that is not good.  Eventually, my body would consume itself. I’d be just as weak and unhealthy as I was, but I would just take up less space in the recliner.

There’s another part of me that wants to push it.  That part wants to start lifting heavier weights.  Building muscle and doing even more.  I know this is the part that I need to listen to.  This is the voice of reason, of goals, of progress.  The problem is it’s not the strongest voice.  When I start gaining muscle, I’m also going to start gaining weight.  How will I know that weight is good-weight and not bad-weight?  What if that weight gain sends me into an emotional spiral? Will that 100 pounds be back before I’ve realized what’s happened?

And that brings me to the strongest voice in my head.  It’s the voice of fear.  The sad fact is that the majority of people that have substantial weight loss regain that weight within 5 years.  5 YEARS! This is actually far more terrifying than that first step of that first mile.  There were the fear and shame associated with that first mile, but there are also the fear and shame that would come along with failure.

Could I really let myself get back into the shape I was before I started this journey?  We all know the answer is yes.  I could.  I let myself get there the first time,  it could very easily happen again.  The only thing I can do is try.  I’ve got to keep setting goals and keep working towards those goals. I know that the secret to maintaining the loss is the same as the secret to obtaining the loss.  Move more, eat less, and pray always.

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